Spotlight Sessions: Aqua

7 December 2020 Mental Health

Spotlight Sessions: Aqua

I’ve always felt well balanced. Aside from a few days here and there (which we have all had) I felt considerably lucky to never have an issue with my mental health. Then I got the best job in the world, I became a parent to 3 beautiful children. It was hectic from the get go but that was part of the role and so i took it in my stride.

It was then that I found that some days, were just so much harder than others. That I was struggling to give my mind a break. I was going to bed and running off errand lists, dealing with family conflicts, a busy work/life schedule, planning a wedding and bam. COVID 19. Worldwide pandemic. Crippling anxiety. I went from bubbling just-under-the-surface to physical meltdown. I started to panic about the kids, about my fiancé, about myself. How clean is really clean? Have I dettolled the door handles? Do I need to take off my clothes and boil wash them now that I’ve been to the supermarket? Have I possibly been near anyone that could breathe on me something that could make the family sick? We can all relate, it was too much for my mind at the time. I spent weeks and weeks worrying and had a meltdown to my best friend. I just had to explain to someone how I felt and she understood. She got it completely. She gave me some tips and I slowly, got used to the new ‘normal’ and started to panic less.

I got on with it but it’s still there in the back of my mind. Fast forward a few months, I was nervous about my upcoming wedding. I wasn’t sure if it would go ahead and after months of worry, Boris made the announcement I’d been dreading. We were forced to postpone our day. Plans that we’d spent 2.5 years making obliterated in a matter of minutes. A day that I had longed for would suddenly become meaningless. The plans I had made with friends in the run up, the vows that wouldn’t be said to my fiancé, the celebrations that we wouldn’t have, the honeymoon that had to be cancelled. I felt like I was mourning it all. That was the first time I felt my mind truly darken. I was inconsolable. I couldn’t stop crying. I spent a day in bed because I just couldn’t bare to be up and about. I took 2 days off work because I couldn’t keep it together for more than 5 minutes. I made all the calls, cancelled our plans, deleted all my calendars. It hurt my mind and broke my heart.

I’m am so very lucky that I wasn’t going through it alone, my fiancé has always been my rock and no more so now than ever. My best friend was there for me too, reassuring me that what I was feeling was normal. That it was okay to not be okay. I felt foolish, my wedding was cancelled and I was struggling mentally when there was so much else going on in the world, bigger, scarier things. People had lost loved ones and yet I felt like I couldn’t cope. It sounds silly but it only takes one event for you mind to just cloud. It doesn’t matter what that event is.

The day has been and gone. It was hard and it was a sad day filled with “we should have been’s” but I knew when it had passed, I would get there. With each passing day, the clouds have started to lift. We have a new date to look forward to. I have my good days and my bad. I know who to speak to when the days are darker. The main thing I have learned is we are all fragile. Even the ones who are strong. Your feelings are valid, no matter how insignificant you think they may be. We all need support every now and then even though it’s often hard to ask for it.

That’s why we need to use this group. To talk. To share our feelings no matter how small you may think they are. To form a community of like minded people who can grow and support each other through open and honest discussion and ultimately, remove the stigma behind Mental Health.